Keeping The Wretched House Clean

Having thrown off the iron shackles of work and clipped on the platinum shackles of homemaking, I have figured out a two-step plan that will solve the problem of how to keep your house clean:

  1. take birth control pills
  2. go out as often as possible.

Sadly  I didn’t do 1, which means now I sure as hell can’t do 2.  You’re in the same boat, sorryyyyyyy.

So, plan B, which has involved looking at Pinterest a lot.

Pinterest is great. It’s full of hacks and schedules and tips on how best to do all the stuff you know you should be doing instead of looking at Pinterest. Sometimes I even put Pinterest tips into practice. Vinegar really is a wonder liquid. So is lemon juice.

But I think the thing that has really helped me the most is throwing stuff away. As the mother of two small children I’m necessarily about 18 months behind the rest of the world in telling you this, but the reason I am sitting happily in a relaxed, clutter-free living room right now (really!) is because of Marie Kondo and her delightfully bonkers The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying. Her feelings on storage solutions are eye-opening (especially if, like me, you tend to collect cute little boxes To Put Stuff In), and her book gave the me the emotional tools I needed to be able to get rid of things without guilt.

Cozy and uncluttered! Thank you Marie Kondo.

A post shared by Haywire Housewife (@housewifehaywire) on

Of course, tidy isn’t enough. I do follow a cleaning schedule. But honestly, there is no point in cleaning if you haven’t figured out how to get tidy first. So I’ll save a post about actual CLEANING-cleaning for later.

Suddenly Housewife

So it happened. You had kids, you took time off work, you went back to work, your workplace didn’t manage your return well, you finally broke one day and went down to the fish market and bought a giant whole trout and left it on your desk first thing in the morning and never went back in the office again.

Now you’re a housewife. Frankly, with the cost of childcare, travel, work clothes, work lunches, and work nights out, not to mention the dogwalker and the cleaner, you were only breaking even anyway. Now you get to be your own person, take care of your family, make . . . jam? People do that, right?

Yeah, that’s the problem. You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t know how to keep your house the way Patricia did. You don’t know how to keep your kids entertained the way Ellie did. You don’t know how to keep your dog from chasing foxes onto the railroad tracks the way Kris did.

I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about me. I’m suddenly a housewife. And I’ve gone freaking haywire. Join me on my journey of trying to figure out what the hell is going on.